Grave Expectations

'Electric Disco Choir'. That's an awesome name for a band. 'Lifting the Velvet Box'. That's an awesome name for an album. 'Does my scar look like a dog vagina?' Now, that is an awesome thing to have etched on your gravestone. True, it sounds more like a yearbook quote or the drunken ramblings of a grey-toothed, homeless man who uses litter tray’s as a Sizzler buffet, but to be quite honest, when you chuck right down to the cob, stuff is just not as clever if it's not scribbled in the middle of a graveyard. 

I realise I'm well over the line of cynicism here, having already organised my own funeral (S Club 7 and Steps on repeat with an assortment of curried egg sandwiches and Coles brand spring rolls for finger food. (I also requested my ashes be put in a blender with bananas and vanilla icecream, and then distributed evenly among my mourners, but my Mum said she was worried that my teeth wouldn't burn and they'd subsequently break the blender.)), however I think that having an authorised comedy piece on your own memorial is a super way to be remembered, and bring a guilty smile to heartbroken passers-by. 

Everyday I think of a new phrase I want written on my tombstone. Everything from nonsensical quotes to random things I've heard people say around me that particular day. The list is growing longer as time passes, so I was thinking of just using a bunch of lines instead of choosing one, and having a kind of Greatest Hits type of situation inscribed. Or perhaps a Ten Commandments deal. Maybe I'll just keep the regular 'rest in peace, beloved son, dog owner and iPhone user, yada yada yada' but I'll have it all written entirely in windings. Or in ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics. You know what, I think it’d look awesome if I had it written in permanent marker by a 7 year old who can barely read or write! Y’know what, I’m seriously leaning toward that one now.

The whole 'post-death zinger stone' came to me one morning when I was stumbling home from the train station after a traditional weeknight of having too much grain alcohol that was made in an old unwashed compost bin. As I walked along the road that night still belching up the taste of old apple cores and whiskey, I happened upon one of those 'call before you dig' signs. The ones that say "gas line located 1.8 metres below this location, do not excavate". I thought about how awesome it would be to steal one of those sings and have it nailed on to my tombstone. And I maintain to this very day that using one of those signs would be brilliant. Drunk Kim always has been more cleverer than sober Kim.

Ever since that night I’ve been thinking of new ways to be obnoxious even in death, much to the fury of my friends and family who appear to have been pushed very close to their limits after 27 years of me running my mouth.

Get excited, folks. I vow to have the greatest (and most borderline disrespectful) gravestone ever seen.

A cynical view of award shows.

Important question: Award shows suck.

Ok, I realise that technically (or according to the laws of grammar) that wasn't a question. But I feel so strongly about this that I refuse to accept the opinion that televised award ceremonies are anything apart from phoney-baloney BS douchebaggery of the first degree. They really should only be appreciated by the people attending, or friends and family of the nominees. Yet for some reason we little people cling to the chance to witness one of these momentous events on our televisions. Which baffles me to no end. Because, quite frankly, they're shit. And why do I feel this way? I'm glad you asked.

It's certainly not a deep rooted issue about my chosen contenders never EVER winning, and I'm definitely not still fuming about the Karl Stefanovic/Hamish Blake Logie travesties of 2011 and 2012. Heavens no.

Let's face it, we just wanna see celebrities mingling inappropriately with other celebrities and having way too much wine. Because when you really think about it, we're not watching these things for the presenters. Otherwise the horrendously awkward and wooden Sonia Kruger would've practiced her speech a little more if she thought any of us actually gave a crap about what she was trying to say to us. It was like listening to a Margaret Court speech. Maybe if Sonia HAD rehearsed a smidge, we wouldn't have fumbled frantically for the remote a line into her bit. No, I'm fairly certain the only people who enjoyed that "comedic" segue were Sonia's family and Kerri-Ann Kennelly. 

One of the most irritating parts of award shows is the voting demographic. For example; Tom Cruise will never win an Oscar, not just because he's a terrible actor, but because he went and upset the Academy, and now they're too mad at him to even consider him for nomination. That's a really fair process. Or poor Eddie Murphy, who gave a helluva performance in Dreamgirls, but went and somehow negated that by making Norbit. How making one movie somehow effects another is a mystery to me. Either he was really good in Dreamgirls or he wasn't. It's a travesty, is what it is. And is it just me, or are the days of action movies or comedy movies winning Oscars well behind us? Is it any easier to make an epic action film? Is it apparently a long, emotional, expensive, treacherous, painful and brilliant achievement to write a script about a sad divorced dad? Or a woman who's terminally ill? Or some other indie piece of crap? Can we write a script that isn't specifically designed to make you cry? Are the Academy voters suddenly all hipsters?
There's the fashion side, of course, which I don't really pay much attention to, but understand the appeal of. Who's wearing what? How do they look? Are we going to be able to question their weight or spark pregnancy rumours?

Then there are the "Channel 9 Presents the TV Week Logie Awards".

Firstly, the actual award. Why is TV Week written on the trophy? I mean, I get that the whole soirée is paid for by the magazine, but isn't plastering it on the trophy a little bit trashy? That's like replacing the globe on the Golden Globe trophy with a McDonalds logo. Or the sword on the Academy Award with a submarine sandwich. 

What is the reader demo of TV Week? Pre-teens and over 40's. Which means a show aimed toward 20 or 30 something's that DOESN'T have a 'hot' guy in it will probably not win an award when pitted up against the actor from a teen-drama or grandma dramedy. People aren't really winning awards these days for their performances. They're winning for having the biggest fanbase or having the best PR vote-grabbers.

Me, I was watching it specifically to get an occasional glimpse of Esther Anderson to try and read her expression. I wanted to see if I could tell in her inflection whether or not she got my letter. 

"Dear Esther,

While I didn't really care for Charlie Buckton, I really, really wish she hadn't been killed off. It was, for lack of a more polite term, BULLSHIT.
I'd talked myself into believing she'd recover at the last minute and a mass of absurd and addictive story-arcs involving pregnancy and kidnapped babies and plane crashes would occur, and Charlie and Brax would be the new Shane and Angel Parish.
But alas. Charlie died. In a fast and pointless fashion.

But worse than that, we were left with a seemingly endless 'will they or won't they' storyline with back up Chax, Heath and Bianca.

But even worse still, Ruby.

Why, Home and Away writers, why did you leave us with Ruby? If she had been the one who'd died (preferably slowly) the viewers would be returning in droves.

But unless you're Bobby Fisher in the fridge or that dude no one liked from a couple of years back who faked his death to avoid the fuzz, and now does ads for Toyota or life insurance, or something in the 'mighty have fallen' category, I don't see a dramatic return to be on the cards. 

And for that, I feel sorry for you, Esther. You're a top bird.
Love always (or at least for a month or two before I forget about Chax), 

Kim. xoxo"

Unfortunately, it was hard to tell what she was thinking because according to Logies producers, there's nothing in this world more important than seeing whether or not Rebecca Gibney found the last joke funny, or whether the judges from The Voice are kissing each other on the cheek or on the lips.
But one of everyone's favourite parts of award shows are the gossip rags the following week.

"ZOMG, look who Brad Pitt had his picture taken with! Is an affair on the cards?" "ZOMG, is that a diamond ring on Angelina Jolie's finger? Is a wedding on the cards?" Uh, probably not, since you just told us Brad's having an affair. I have no idea why anyone would even consider buying one of those magazines. I just want to slap the women I see at the checkout in Coles holding a copy of Famous, and scream "YOU DON'T KNOW THESE PEOPLE. WHO CARES WHAT THEY DO?." 

We all know these headlines are all completely fabricated, yet we keep buying them. It's like putting a fictional novel in the non-fiction section of a library. It's a bunch of celebrities and a shit-ton bullhonkey. It's Scientology. 

If you're a celebrity and you go to one of these award shows, you've pretty much given every international version of Ok! magazine an exclusive pictorial without even realising it. And don't even bother not going, because the tabs will rip you to shreds. (Unless it's the Aria's, where you won't be missed. No one has any idea what's going on there anyway. Everyone is too stoned and barely audible over the screaming girls and indie kids.)

Anyway, I think I've made my point maliciously clear.

I love award shows. 

...Nah, I'm just joshin'. They're shithouse.

TV Party Tonight - Part One

An analysis of the television industry and the social ramifications of international distribution of American series in a growing Australian market. AKA Kim loves TV and here's why.

PART ONE: The Players

There really is nothing I love more in the world than television. It fills a void in my life that would ordinarily be crammed with tedium and repetition. Since I'm not the mountain climbing, snake venom drinking adventurer that I probably could be, I have to get my kicks from watchin' my stories. I get to immerse myself in the splendour of action, drama, comedy and mystery on a daily basis without even getting out of my armchair. Now, a lot of people would say that watching that much television is no way to live. Well let me respond by saying this; I damn well like it. Nay, I damn well love it. I get a feeling in my gut when I'm madly in love with a TV show, like how an ordinary person would feel about the job they love, or a song that moves them. I can't get enough of that feeling. And whether you think that makes me lazy or weird, it doesn't matter to me, because I'm sure you wouldn't want to give up that feeling for quids. That's why I feel so inclined to break down the industry through the eyes of TV's harshest critic. Me.

Let's start with the free-to-air Australian networks.

There are the 5 main channels and their associated second, third and sometimes fourth digital channels. I usually lop these networks into the following categories;

Channel 7: Talent shows, and endless Packed to the Rafters promos.

Channel 9: Crime dramas and reruns.

Channel 10: Youth oriented, tries-too-hard attitude, and bizarre panel-fetish.

SBS: All class, with an international flair. Heavy on the doco's and foreign films. 

ABC: Something for literally everyone, across 4 channels.

Having said that, I do tend to watch channel 7 and 9 the most. If only for the big American shows that you can ordinarily only get through the use of illegal torrent clients. I may be biased, however. I feel extremely (and often irrationally) strongly about certain shows. I rarely just like a show. I either love it or hate it. For instance, The Project. Seriously, what is with The Project? For the life of me I can't fathom any reason why that show would continue to be on the air. It's awkward, the jokes are bottom of the barrel and forced, and the faux-Today Tonight scare-tactics reporting with the "comedic" twist is frustrating to watch play out. Strangely enough (or not), that exact same critique goes for Channel Nine's Today, the interludes on Eleven, and any prime-time talk show Channel Nine have ever attempted. I guess I just don't like things that are live. They make me nervous.

I do however love a good scripted comedy or drama. Unfortunately, there are very few Australian shows that fit this bill. You have Rescue Special Op's and Blue Collar for sure, but what are they really, other than your average run-of-the-mill crime drama's with an occasional love interest? And as for comedies, you don't really have much of a variety to choose from. I can understand why people watch Packed to the Rafters and it's neighbour, Winners and Losers. It's aimed at an older demographic, and people who don't enjoy a thrill. But my Lordy-Lou, when is that show not on? It feels like those people are constantly up in my grill! I think I've figured it out, though. Instead of playing one full season for the 6 month period, they play two halves of a season over the whole year, thus not giving people a chance to forget about it and keep the ratings steady. Either that or they just love filming Rebecca Gibney and Erik Thomson running around in front of a backdrop laughing casually together over a guitar strumming chillout jam about how wonderful life is.

Besides sporting events, reality series finales and live news story feeds, all these channels (except the mostly British ABC) rely heavily on American series' to fill their prime-time slots. And like almost everyone, I love these shows the most. And here's why. Money. You can actually smell the cash that was burnt on producing these shows when you turn on the TV to watch them. Explosions, car chases, location rentals, big studio sets, props, promotional considerations, advertising and famous actors. If it were possible to be shallow over a TV show, yo, that's me. The Australian and British market together with our love of these imported series' is hugely important to the budget of the show's produced back in the USA. They don't just give them to our networks for free. The more popular or critically acclaimed the show, the higher the asking price.

Now, let's get into the good stuff. This is a list of the main American free-to-air networks. 

CBS: Typically aimed at older viewers, and home of the CSI's, the NCIS's, The Mentalist, Criminal Minds, and a myriad of your favourite crime drama's. It's also home to the most popular comedies currently airing on Australian television. The Big Bang Theory, Two & a Half Men, Mike & Molly and How I Met Your Mother. CBS is typically the highest rated network in the country. (<10 million viewers is worst case scenario time.*)

ABC: The Disney owned network is currently in a comeback phase after dwindling ratings post-golden age. It once boasted the most successful prime-time block on television with Grey's Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, Ugly Betty, Lost and Brothers & Sisters all airing during the same season. Currently it boasts the most popular new series', Once Upon a Time, Revenge, Castle, Body of Proof and the multi-award winning Modern Family. (<8 Million viewers is worst case scenario time.*)

FOX: The Rupert Murdoch owned Fox Network is primarily aimed at the obnoxious, with it's famed animation studio. The Simpson's, American Dad!, The Cleveland Show, Bob's Burgers and Family Guy are still institutions on the Fox schedule. For most of the '00's Fox relied heavily on American Idol, a constant winner across all demos. It's also the home of Bones, Raising Hope, House and Glee. (<7 Million viewers is worst case scenario time.*)

NBC: Once America's favourite network and comedy powerhouse with shows like Friends, Cheers, Frasier, Mad About You, Will & Grace and Seinfeld, NBC is something of a laughing-stock among viewers these days. It has the highest cancellation rate with most of it's new shows rarely making it past one season. It's current rating winners are... Law & Order: SVU. It's also home to many comedies as featured in its famous Thursday night comedy block. 30 Rock, The Office, Parks & Recreation and Community. (<5 million viewers is worst case scenario time.*)

The CW: This CBS and Warner Bros. owned network (hence the C and the W) is completely aimed toward teenagers. It's chock full of tweeny goodness with shows like Supernatural, The Vampire Diaries, Nikita, America's Next Top Model, 90210 and One Tree Hill. While it gets the lowest numbers across the board, it's sole purpose is to win over with the 17-34 year old demographic. When you factor in only that key demo, it's one of the most successful of all America's networks. (<1 million viewers is worst case scenario time.*)

According to the numbers, there's a much higher chance that you're watching one of the US shows listed above than the Aussie shows currently being produced. How many of the shows listed above do you watch and love? That's not to say you're not a true patriot, but whether you like it or not America has always been the front runner in the quality of entertainment. With the worlds most lucrative companies in the world being entertainment based American companies, this shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone.

In Part Two: What We Want. The changing styles of TV shows, what's in and what's out.

*For a prime-time drama on any day besides Friday.