3 Guaranteed Ways to Lose Weight, and Keep it Off

Have you been watching TV and noticing most of the people on it are thinner, leaner, and better looking than you? The world is a cruel place, isn’t it? It can be downright awful sometimes.

 Have you tried dieting or exercising only to realize any progress you made was erased by one drunken 3am visit to the 24-hour Chinese Buffet? I know the feeling. It’s a scientific fact that after 3am it’s impossible to pass up chicken balls that are covered in that red sticky sauce. No worries, there are better solutions.

3 Guaranteed Ways to Lose Weight, and Keep it Off 

1. Get the Weight Loss Tonic Known as a Colonic. Everyone knows that drinking water is good for you, but when is the last time you let your butt have a drink? Seriously. During a colonic, a jet of water is propelled up your anus cleaning out all the leftover undigested food and hardened poop in your intestine. Now, if someone tells you that you’re full of shit you can respond by saying, “No no no, my friend. I was full of shit.” Of course you’d have to explain the joke as that particular person might not be privy to you being anally raped by H₂O.

 FAQ:

Q: Colonics sound disgusting. Are they?

A: I’d say so, yes.

Q: Are colonics effective?

A: Try it and let me know, I would never actually resort to something that invasive.  

2. Make like Joey Gladstone and Cut-it-Out.  Do you know how many useless piles of flesh are in the human body? The appendix, the spleen, your tonsils, and most notably, a SECOND kidney? Really, a second kidney? How greedy are we that we’re hoarding kidneys? Who needs ‘em. That’s pounds of flesh slowing you down and making you heavy. And while we’re on the topic, how many teeth do you really need? Your toothless uncle Bob doesn’t need any teeth, why should you? Ribs? Don’t get me started on ribs, they’re the only thing stopping men from giving themselves BJs. The list provided is not exhaustive, be creative, there are plenty more parts of our anatomy we never use.

FAQ:

Q: Who is Joey Gladstone?

A: He’s a character from the terribly cheesy old sitcom, Full House. If you haven’t seen Full House, you’re lucky. Unlike me, you can live a meaningful life. 

Q: Are you sure I don’t need my second kidney?

A: Oh I’m sure, and the best part is, when you take your extra kidney out it doubles as a decent hacky-sack. 

3. Soul for Sale. Did you know that when we die we lose ¾ of an ounce of weight? Many claim it is the weight of our soul. So let me ask you, what has your soul done for you lately? Don’t wait till you die to shed that valuable 21 grams. Sell, give away, or bet your soul on a bad hand in Texas Hold ‘Em. Just get rid of the darn thing, it’s weighing you down and making you soul-fat.

 FAQ:

Q: Some red evil dude with horns, a pointy tail and cloven hooves has been inquiring about purchasing my soul from me for a while. Is it cool to sell it to him?

A: Does he have money? If so, yes, it’s cool. Sell away, big money hustla.  

There you have it, folks, after using these techniques you’ll look almost the same, minus the surgical scars and lack of teeth, but will actually weigh in at a lighter, more desirable weight. WOW! Tell your friends.

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